This Neurotic Life: Lateness by Cody McGraw

Unlike a pregnant woman’s period, I am never late. If I tell you I’m going to be there at 11:53 then I will be there at exactly 11:53. Why would I tell you that if I didn’t intend on doing so? I like to live in this false world in which my word is my sacred oath and I’d like to keep it that way. Now, you can imagine my frustration when no one in the world agrees with me on this topic.

I know there are unseen factors to lateness such as transit issues, traffic and general carelessness but I find it borderline offensive when someone is late. Like, why would you tell me to meet you at a certain time when you don’t show up for another half hour? I meticulously plan out every minute of my day and can’t factor in people's disregard for my incredibly neurotic organization and my time. I’ve left after one minute and I’ve left after 10. I even have friends who tell me they are never late for anything anymore after being late with me once. I think that’s pretty cool because I wasn’t aware I was that scary.

Lately I’ve tried to ease up on people and implemented a strike system. Everyone gets one free late excuse before I mention my issue with lateness and usually they either laugh it off or understand completely. So far it’s working and I’m coming off as a lot less irrational. Well, as much as it’s possible for me to seem less irrational.

I feel I need to explain myself because I know how this is coming off. I can never be late because of my feelings toward lateness and imagine the smug look on my friend’s face if Baron Von Punctuality ESQ III were late. So really I got myself into this mess and now have to keep it up. If I had just let it go the first time it happened then we wouldn’t even be having this crazy conversation, would we?

But in all seriousness don’t be late because then I’ll have to remind you there’s a reason the French word for late is retard.

Photo: Carmen Cheung

This Neurotic Life is an original column for The Little Red Umbrella about the trials and tribulations of being neurotic written by our Managing Editor Cody McGraw. See more editions here.

Cody McGraw is many things but the thing you can actually call him to his face is the Managing Editor of The Little Red Umbrella. See more posts from him here or follow him on Twitter (@cody_mcgraw).