Ask Cody: Volume Two by Cody McGraw

For some reason people have always asked me for advice. Be it on relationships, food choices or which Power Ranger is coolest, I’ve been asked it all. Lately I’ve been thinking I’m not being fair to the rest of the world if I don’t open up my advice to everyone. You see, I’m a very honest person. I’m going to tell you exactly what I’m thinking and not spare your feelings at all. It’s one of the many things that make me me and people tend to respect that.

So I made the choice to help people. That’s right. I took on a few questions over Twitter and email and compiled them for everyone to read. This is MY advice column and I hope to help you with anything you’re having issues with. Seriously, anything. But don’t go complaining if I say something you don’t want to hear. If you looking for someone to candy coat your bullshit then you're humping the wrong leg.

Dear Cody,
 
What is the Caramilk secret?

Sincerely,
Got Munchies

Dear Got Munchies,

The secret is you should be eating healthier and not contemplating tired marketing ploys no one cares about anymore. Maybe you should find out where the beef is next, idiot.

Dear Cody,

I am a 26-year-old woman who is looking for something real with a guy. I don't expect guys in their late 20's to be super eager to get hitched and pop out some babies right away but I do expect them to want something serious when entering the dating zone. I am usually into dating younger guys but am starting to go for guys my own age or older because I want something more adult, but after dating the older guys I have found that they act the exact same as the 22 year olds. They are just as immature, inconsiderate and just as afraid of commitment. Wtf???!! I know I'm still young but my biological clock is slowly starting to tick. When did boys start growing into bigger boys and not men? And why are they so afraid of being with one girl and starting a serious relationship? Am I destined to have a sperm donor baby if I want a kid by 35 or to buy a few cats and dress them in baby clothes? Should I give up on my dream of a guy who wants to be a husband and father?

Sincerely,
Future Crazy Cat Lady with Dried Up Eggs.

Dear Future Crazy Cat Lady with Dried Up Eggs,

Life lesson: everyone is an asshole – some people are just better at hiding it than others, so get over it. When the guy you’re meant to be with enters your life you’ll know it. Until then I say get some fucking patience. Seriously, you’re 26, not 66 and whining about it is only going to scare guys away more. I know several people who met their ideal mate later in life and they all said the same thing dating: if you don’t go out and blow 'em you’ll never know 'em.

Dear Cody,

I have an issue with my current girlfriend. You see, I have no feelings for her at all but I’m staying with her because the sex is really, really good. Like, ridiculously good – but the sight of her disgusts me and I hate myself every day. What should I do?

Sincerely,
In It 4 Da Luv

Dear In It 4 Da Luv,

I have a very simple solution for you: webcam porn. Seriously, if the sex is that good then you might as well make some money. There are TONS of things you can do to not look at her, plus if it becomes more of a business relationship then you can justify keeping your balls in your purse next to your tampons for not being man enough to walk out the damn door.

If you need advice on anything and everything feel free to ASK CODY by Tweet (@littleredu) or by email (cody@littleredumbrella.com) and you might be featured in the next volume of ASK CODY.

Photo by Melanie Baresic

Cody McGraw is many things but the thing you can actually call him to his face is the Managing Editor of The Little Red Umbrella. See more posts from him here or follow him on Twitter (@cody_mcgraw).