Ask Cody: Volume 4 by Cody McGraw

This Friday night at the Holy Oak Cafe, Cody McGraw will be presenting a live version of "Ask Cody" as part of the Little Red Umbrella Variety Spectacular. (Facebook invite here.) To get you in the mood, here's the latest edition of the column:

For some reason people have always asked me for advice. Be it on relationships, food choices or which Power Ranger is coolest, I’ve been asked it all. Lately I’ve been thinking I’m not being fair to the rest of the world if I don’t open up my advice to everyone. You see, I’m a very honest person. I’m going to tell you exactly what I’m thinking and not spare your feelings at all. It’s one of the many things that make me me and people tend to respect that.

So I made the choice to help people. That’s right. I took on a few questions over Twitter and email and compiled them for everyone to read. This is MY advice column and I hope to help you with anything you’re having issues with. Seriously, anything. But don’t go complaining if I say something you don’t want to hear. If you looking for someone to candy coat your bullshit then you're humping the wrong leg. 

Dear Cody,

I have a friend who is increasingly socially awkward and withdrawn. He plays a lot of video games a lot of the time, and I'm afraid this is making him forget how to exist in real life. How do I get him back to normal and help him realize his actual friends are more important than his video game ones?

Sincerely,

Raider of the Lost Ark

Dear Raider of the Lost Ark,

Your friend is suffering from what we like to call social retardation. He thinks these people are real when in reality they are just prolonging his virginity. You need to smash his gaming device to pieces to save him before he becomes a sexual eunuch who only jerks off to Star Trek posters. Trust me, you’re doing him and the world a favour. If this doesn’t work then hand him the noose. Seriously. These people must be stopped.

Dear Cody,

I am in a relationship with a guy who I really love but we’re having some issues. You see, I don’t like his friends and family or their redneck lifestyle. However, I can’t walk away because I really care for this guy and just sit back and stay silent. I can’t do this anymore now that he’s talking marriage. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Whiteneck

Dear Whiteneck,

You must be new so I welcome you to the Earth planet. Liking family and friends is a gigantic part of the relationship and if that’s not working then you need to walk away. If you don’t you’ll be getting married wearing a Nascar dress and having The Charlie Daniels Band playing your wedding song. Wait, it’s HUGE isn’t it? If not then what the hell are you doing? If you don’t like his world then you don’t like him. You get me? MOVE ON.

Dear Cody,

What do I do if my husband isn’t interested in oral sex?

Sincerely,

Conil-anguish

Dear Conil-anguish,

Really? This is a question? You shove his face down until he’s tongue deep. It’s really not that hard. Especially after a few drinks and if you wear something decent for once. If a guy tells you he doesn’t like going down on you it means you either need a shave or a Vagisil bath.

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If you need advice on anything and everything feel free to ASK CODY by Tweet (@littleredu) or by email (cody@littleredumbrella.com) and you might be featured in the next volume of ASK CODY.

Photo by Melanie Baresic

Cody McGraw is many things but the thing you can actually call him to his face is the Managing Editor of The Little Red Umbrella. See more posts from him here or follow him on Twitter (@cody_mcgraw).