For some reason people have always asked me for advice. Be it on relationships, food choices or which Power Ranger is coolest, I’ve been asked it all. Lately I’ve been thinking I’m not being fair to the rest of the world if I don’t open up my advice to everyone. You see, I’m a very honest person. I’m going to tell you exactly what I’m thinking and not spare your feelings at all. It’s one of the many things that make me me and people tend to respect that.
So I made the choice to help people. That’s right. I took on a few questions over Twitter and email and compiled them for everyone to read. This is MY advice column and I hope to help you with anything you’re having issues with. Seriously, anything. But don’t go complaining if I say something you don’t want to hear. If you looking for someone to candy coat your bullshit then you're humping the wrong leg.
Dear Cody,
I’ve been having some money problems lately so I’ve been letting older, more established men buy me gifts in exchange for company. It feels fine when it’s happening but afterward I feel sort of weird. Does this make sense?
Sincerely,
Quick Money
Dear Quick Money,
Please acquire a dictionary and look up the word ‘prostitute’ because that’s what you are. How about instead of depending on the kindness of strangers you get off your knees and get yourself a job that doesn’t make your vagina smell like brass polish. It may be the worst oldest profession but it doesn’t mean your mouth has to be filled with the world’s oldest balls.
Dear Cody,
My wife has a huge problem with me wanting to spend my Saturday afternoons sitting in the basement and having a beer. I tell her it’s how I unwind after a busy week at work, but she can’t seem to understand. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Beer in Peace
Dear Beer in Peace,
Give her a choice. Ask her to choose between getting off your case and grabbing herself a beer or packing a bag and leaving to find someone who wants to listen to her shit. If she chooses the first one, you’ve married your soul mate. If she chooses the latter then you’ve married your mom. Either way you still get your beer so it’s a win-win situation for you, good sir.
Dear Cody,
My girlfriend really loves kissing me in public. I mean, I love her and all but I feel so awkward knowing everyone around town can see us make out. How do I tell her this makes me uncomfortable? Sincerely,
No PDA
Dear No PDA,
You have good instincts. No one wants to see you tongue deep in your girlfriend, especially if she’s unattractive, which let’s be honest, everyone assumes she is since you’re bitching about her. While in transit people don’t need to re-taste their breakfasts because you two can’t keep your disgusting sausage fingers off each other. We’re all just trying to get to point b without murdering each other, so do us all a favour and keep your dick in your pants and stop acting like you’re in some sort of suburban YouTube rap video.
I’ve been having some money problems lately so I’ve been letting older, more established men buy me gifts in exchange for company. It feels fine when it’s happening but afterward I feel sort of weird. Does this make sense?
Sincerely,
Quick Money
Dear Quick Money,
Please acquire a dictionary and look up the word ‘prostitute’ because that’s what you are. How about instead of depending on the kindness of strangers you get off your knees and get yourself a job that doesn’t make your vagina smell like brass polish. It may be the worst oldest profession but it doesn’t mean your mouth has to be filled with the world’s oldest balls.
Dear Cody,
My wife has a huge problem with me wanting to spend my Saturday afternoons sitting in the basement and having a beer. I tell her it’s how I unwind after a busy week at work, but she can’t seem to understand. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Beer in Peace
Dear Beer in Peace,
Give her a choice. Ask her to choose between getting off your case and grabbing herself a beer or packing a bag and leaving to find someone who wants to listen to her shit. If she chooses the first one, you’ve married your soul mate. If she chooses the latter then you’ve married your mom. Either way you still get your beer so it’s a win-win situation for you, good sir.
Dear Cody,
My girlfriend really loves kissing me in public. I mean, I love her and all but I feel so awkward knowing everyone around town can see us make out. How do I tell her this makes me uncomfortable? Sincerely,
No PDA
Dear No PDA,
You have good instincts. No one wants to see you tongue deep in your girlfriend, especially if she’s unattractive, which let’s be honest, everyone assumes she is since you’re bitching about her. While in transit people don’t need to re-taste their breakfasts because you two can’t keep your disgusting sausage fingers off each other. We’re all just trying to get to point b without murdering each other, so do us all a favour and keep your dick in your pants and stop acting like you’re in some sort of suburban YouTube rap video.
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If you need advice on anything and everything feel free to ASK CODY by Tweet (@littleredu) or by email (cody@littleredumbrella.com) and you might be featured in the next volume of ASK CODY.
Photo by Melanie Baresic
Photo by Melanie Baresic
Cody McGraw is many things but the things you can actually call him
to his face is the Managing Editor of The Little Red Umbrella, social media specialist and, well, that's about it. See
more posts from him here or follow him on Twitter (@cody_mcgraw).
2 comments:
NO PDA knows the arguments against PDA he was asking for advice on how to tell his partner. If you were so busy trying to be a smart ass know-it-all you could have answered his question. Instead of shitting on him for something he is against why don't you do your self-proclaimed job, which is to give advice.
^ lol @ this person
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